Denver Broncos: This ink on my neck represents my love of the obscure indie band Whiskey Anus. They broke up after one song but they will live forever.

Seattle Seahawks: I spend so much time in my local coffee shop they asked me to pay rent.

New England Patriots: Boston? Feh. Im from Foxboro. Youve probably never been there, its way out of the way in the middle of the woods. Only the right people get invited.

San Francisco 49ers: I only watch Organic football. Yeah, its more expensive, but its so much better for you. I cant put that junk football in my body, do you even know what youre doing to yourself with that? Gross.

Carolina Panthers: No I dont need these 3d glasses. Who cares if it hurts my eyes, have you ever smoked weed with these things on?

Cincinnati Bengals: Ive gone to the playoffs these past few years, but if you ask me man its gotten too big for itself. Too much glitz, all the celebrities got involved and pushed out all the smaller acts. Screw that.

Indianapolis Colts: I used to live in Baltimore, back before it went all The Wire. I heard the meth was better in Indy so I hitched a ride one night. You should have seen how mad my friends were.

Kansas City Chiefs: When I hang out in other peoples gardens eating their flowers nothing sets me straight like a great IPA. Hops just set my love for life on fire, man, especially if it comes with a subtle citrus finish.

New Orleans Saints: Do you own an MP3? We cant be friends. Dont you know real music is on Vinyl? Your taste sickens me.

Arizona Cardinals: No one lives here but old people and illegal aliens. I can get vintage clothing and cheap knockoffs all in the same city block!

Philadelphia Eagles: Why would I throw batteries at people? Id rather hit them with free range goats milk.

San Diego Chargers: Instagram literally runs my life. I can send Becki every single breakfast I eat for eternity why would anyone ever deny themselves such pleasure. Hold on, I need to check my tumblr.

Green Bay Packers: I took the brakes off my bike. I dont need them. Brakes are for squares.

Baltimore Ravens: I came to Baltimore for some real grit, also because my girlfriend dumped me and I was homeless. She kept asking for me back but I said no way, time to set out on my own and find B-Mores sweet underground hip hop scene. I dont like hip hop, but that doesn't matter.

Chicago Bears: Of course my hair looks like a mess because of the wind. Youd never be able to tell I actually spend 2 hours in front of a mirror every day setting it that way on purpose.

Dallas Cowboys: What do you mean you have an android phone? We cant be friends.

Miami Dolphins: Land is too mainstream.

New York Jets: Yeah, I know you like that other New York Team. The Big Blue whatevers, but were totally the cool ones, ya know. We were kissing reporters before it was cool.

Pittsburgh Steelers: I drive a Subaru. What of it. it holds my vintage coffee mug collection.

Detroit Lions: I love Detroit. You can find a huge abandoned place to live everywhere. The dead bodies are great fertilizer for your wheat grass.

New York Giants: Of course its Helvetica, what do I look like, some plebe? Alright fine, its Arial. Im a poser. Let me go commit suicide by placing my head inside a subwoofer during a bass drop.

Saint Louis Rams: I wish I could go to the 18th century so I could get some drapes for my co-op.

Tennessee Titans: I only drink this during parties man, you have any idea how good this beer is? Of course you dont. Go watch Blue Velvet and tell me this isn't the best beer ever.

Buffalo Bills: Yeah, I used to go to the super bowl a lot, back when it was interesting. It sold out, man, Im not going back.

Minnesota Vikings: I love the cold up here. Since my skinny jeans dont reach my feet I have a sweet frostbite tan going on. Dead skin is totally in right now.

Atlanta Falcons: You know Atlanta burned for a long time before it was cool.

Cleveland Browns: I cannot believe plaid went out of style, its like a bunch of morons run the planet or something. Its like they hired some beautiful man to create a new fabric, then fired him after just one year. Whats wrong with this story, man?

Jacksonville Jaguars: Nobody roots for us, and thats just the way I like it. No crowds, only raw football. Plus, I totally know Chad Henne, he can hook us up, know what Im saying?

Oakland Raiders: I lived in San Francisco for a while, but I got tired of paying 3,700 a month for 2 square feet in the Mission. Oakland is way more laid back, you just gotta get past the death and all.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Im not actually Gluten Intolerant, I just like to tell people I am.

Washington Redskins: Im really offended by the Redskins name, but Im more angry about the name FedEx field. Why did you sell out DC like that? How could you?

Houston Texans: So what if I dont wear actual vintage shoes? What of it? Real vintage falls apart and I want to be comfortable while I disappoint my parents.